we continue

So, we skipped February's cardiac visit. Torie's O2 had been good, so I had this hope in my heart and in my head that maybe, just maybe, we wouldn't have to do the repair. Maybe she would just stay stable. All mom's have that hope right? At least all good mom's do! So I got a job offer to work for Dr Good again-he moved to Tullahoma! I was supper excited to have a family friend move back, and to have my old job again! Kim immediately said she would watch Torie all day so I could work. Such a blessing she is! So I start work at the end of Feb. Torie has her card appt in the 1st wk or so of March. That day was hell. I am not going to lie about it-it scared me so deep down inside that I did not know what to do...remember when I said that I never thought I could be as scared as I was at her birth-this day proved me wrong! The worse nurse ever was trying to get Torie's vitals. Torie was restless and just wanted her bottle and a nap. This lady kept going until Torie did exactly what she was not supposed to do-CRY. And boy did she every cry! I kept trying to calm her, but since her back was to me, she could not see me and it was not working. A few other nurses came in, trying to help get vitals and calm her. They finally gave up and I turned Torie to me and held her. The nurse put us in an exam room and I gave Torie her bottle. She quickly went to sleep and looked so peaceful. Dr Parra asked for an O2 monitor to be brought in a left on her. I just thought it was to get a good reading, since she had cried so much. He came back into the room a few minutes later and said " That was a tet spell. Dr Bichell is out of town but I out her on his surgery schedual for next Wendsay." I broke down. There is no other way to describe what I did. I looked at my baby and cried-HARD. Kim had tears in her eyes but did her best to stay composed. Since I could not see Torie, Dr Parra explained that she had turned blue and her O2 had dropped really bad...later-after the ohs, Kim told me it had actually dropped into the 60's!! From being so stable in Jan to this?!? I have never felt so bad for Dr Parra in my life-he made me cry and I could see in his face that he hated that part of his job. We made our way through that appt someway,somehow. But the next week Dr Bichell's nurse called stating we had to wait another wk and a half because Dr Bichell was going to be out of town. This man travels-a lot! lol. So, we are offically moved to pre admit on March 26, 2007. Open Heart Surgery was set for 7am on March 27, 2007. Again, I was so scared, but yet I had even more anger in me. See, where I had that hope that she would never need surgery, all those prayers every day, multiple times a day, family prayers, even my students and their families were praying-but at that time it seemed to be a waste because she still had to have ohs. I was so angry at God, that I stopped praying. I could not say or think a word to God. How could God do this?!? What lesson was He trying to teach me?!? and WHY did it have to be through my child, my 8 month old baby?!?