3 years

This is always a day for reflection. Reflecting how far Torie has came, overcoming a congenital heart defect, open heart surgery and life with Di George Syndrome. Today marks 3 years since we did our office pre op for her Tetrology of Fallot repair-her open heart surgery at just 8 months old. I can't help but remember spending all day with the nurse and staff, and the unforgettable time with the cardiothorasic surgeon signing her operative permit. yes, we give you permission to repair the whole in her heart, yes we give you permission to repair the muscle that is too think to work correctly, yes we give her permission to replace her valve with a cow valve..o wait, what? a cow valve? O, that's how you do it? O, I didn't realize....So, yes, we give you permission to put a cow valve in our baby girl.......
I remember squeezing Torie so tightly at those words. I made poor Paul sign the papers, telling him I just couldn't do it. I remember seeing my tears stain the paper on exam table. I remember the nurse ( who I still hug today when I see her) handing me a tissue. I remember thinking I was going to throw up...and I remember the fear. The fear has never left. It is always with me. We spent the night at the Ronald McDonald House. Thank God for that place!! I remember us strapping Torie into her stroller and just walking..and walking...and walking until we realized we were back at Vandy. So we just made a square path and kept walking until we got back to the Ronald McDonald House. Then we ate and cuddle the rest of the night. I kept watching the other people around us, wondering what brought them to the same place as us. If their loved one was a child or an adult? If they were feeling the same as us....I remember going to bed and just wanting to scream and cry myself to sleep.